W-T-F? . . . Who You Calling Ophiuchus?
(Pronounced OFF-ee-YOO-kuss)

January 23, 2011
By: O. J. Cunningham

My wife is no longer a Leo.

My son is no longer a Cancer.

My Daughter is no longer a Libra.

And I'm not a Sagittarius . . . I'm an Ophiuchus (Pronounced OFF-ee-YOO-kuss).

Excuse me . . . But I don't think so . . . My birthday is December 8th . . . I have a Sagittarius tattoo on my ass . . . It's not coming off . . . For anybody.

And by the way . . Jesus is no longer a Capricorn. He's a Sagittarius.

W-T-F?

According to my research, the 12 original signs were introduced almost 3,000 years ago. Recently, some dirt bag astronomer named Kunkle now says that the "position of the Earth has changed in relation to the sun" and has changed people's Astrological signs.

The new Astrological dates are as follows:

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16,

Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11,

Pisces: March 11 - April 18,

Aries: April 18 - May 13,

Taurus: May 13 - June 21,

Gemini: June 21 - July 20,

Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10,

Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16,

Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30,

Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23,

Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29,

Ophiuchus Ophiuchus (Pronounced OFF-ee-YOO-kuss): Nov. 29 - Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20.

And here are the old Zodiac sign dates:

Aquarius: Jan 20 ? Feb 18

Pisces: Feb 19 ? March 20

Aries: March 21 ? April 19

Taurus: April 20 ? May 20

Gemini: May 21 ? June 20

Cancer: June 21 ? July 22

Leo: July 23 ? August 22

Virgo: August 23 ? Sept 22

Libra: Sept 23 ? Oct 22

Scorpio: Oct 23 ? Nov 21

Sagittarius: Nov 22 ? Dec 21

Capricorn: Dec 22 ? Jan 19

I'm pretty sure there's some law . . . some "higher governmental (or religious) authority" that supposed to prevent crap like this from happening.

I'm sure it starts something like . . . "We hold these truths to be self-evident . . . The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost, Life Liberty and the pursuit of happiness, God, Country and Notre Dame.

And then all these (see below) other important "life" standards are added at the end of the law.

Blondes have more fun (What if I've NEVER had more fun?)

Rolling stones gather no moss

Fish bite better on a falling barometer

Always bet on the best horse in the race to finish second

Early birds get the worm

Idle hands are the Devil's workshop

In like a lion . . . (March) Out like a lamb

The second mouse gets the cheese

You are what you eat

You can't tell the depth of the well by the length of the handle on the pump.

As I remember it, this "truthy" law was passed in the late 1950s . . . during the Eisenhower Presidency . . . right after my mother (and the rest of the planet) found out that Rock Hudson was Gay. According to Wikipedia, "Hudson, was an American film and television actor, recognized as a romantic leading man during the 1950s and 1960s, most notably in several romantic comedies with his most famous co-star, Doris Day. Hudson was voted "Star of the Year", "Favorite Leading Man", and similar titles by numerous movie magazines. The 6 ft 5 in (1.96 m) tall actor was unquestionably one of the most popular and well-known movie stars of the time."

And then, everybody found out Hudson was Gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that).

My mom never accepted it. Mom loved Rock Hudson. "That is so much #%$#*," she would always say. And right after that, the "truthy" law got passed by the "higher ups" so stuff like Rock Hudson would never happen again.

I'm taking the same stance as my mom. I am still a "Sagittarius - The Archer." I am not going to be "Ophiuchus (Pronounced OFF-ee-YOO-kuss) -- The Serpent Bearer."

What would I tell my wife . . . not to mention the tattoo.

Perhaps I should contact the Vatican or Tom Hickner or Barcia, or Belleman. Anybody got the new Michigan Governor's cell phone number?

Dammit. This is serious.