Thinking Out Loud
Laugh At Your Own Risk

November 4, 2012
By: Diane Szczepanski

Children instinctively know that the more laughter we have in our lives, the better ~ Wayne Dyer

**No children were harmed during the incident that inspired this column.

Grocery stores. I hate them.

I've loathed grocery shopping with an enduring passion for decades. Ever since the pickle fiasco in 1988, when I dropped an economy size jar of Vlasics in the middle of the parking lot, consequently smashing the glass container and spewing pickle juice all over my feet. Oh, did I mention this was in front of the handsomest man I had ever seen in my life?

Please keep this in mind as we continue on this journey together.

My tale of: THE GIGGLING CHILDREN ON THEIR DAD'S GROCERY SHOPPING CART

Aisle 1-Oh, listen! How cute! There is nothing so sweet as the sound of happy, giggling children and their unabashed joy at making silly faces at each other. Their laughter gurgles like a joyful brook in the Enchanted Forest!

Aisle 3- Wow, those children are still chuckling in glee! What little darlings! Isn't that so much better than having to put up with those dreadful whiners??

Aisle 5- The tehee'ing has become somewhat incessant and is losing it's "awww" factor rapidly. Ah, well, I'll just finish up my shopping and be on my way in no time!

Aisle 6- The darling cherubs can quit with the hilarity ANY TIME.

Aisle 7- Looked down to notice hands have white-knuckle grip on cart, realized jaw is clenched to epic proportions and I've developed a slight tic in my left eye.

Aisle 8- Children's laughter has turned into maniacal-like chortling.

Aisle 9- Ears are bleeding.

Aisle 10- The children are cackling demons sent from Hell to drive me insane. I am certain of this.

Aisle 11- MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!

Aisle 12- Stress level has caused me to sprint to check-outs in 3" heels and a skirt. Lost favorite scarf in process-didn't go back to retrieve it. One giggle away from wanting to suck my thumb in a fetal position. But, safely made it out of store with mental health intact.

**NOTE TO SELF--Next foray into the grocery arena, do one of the following:

A) Bring IPhone and ear buds.
B) Take Xanax 30 minutes prior to placing my hands on a cart.
C) Pay someone else to shop for me.

I think I'll just go with Option C.

My sanity is worth it.