"Nobody cares if we kill mosquitoes," said a really old charity worker who spoke only if guaranteed that her name would not be published. "We're gonna raise $150,000 for somebody."

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Big Mosquitoes Used As Targets At Shotgun Fundraiser

Slaughter Skeeters for (S)harity Is A One Night Event

June 16, 2013
By: O. J. Cunningham

Small children are in peril.

Pets should not be left alone outdoors after dark.

Giant mosquitoes have been seen now on a nightly basis since early June in Bay County along and near any waterways or standing water.

But . . . there's an anti-mosquito charity organizer who has a plan to take a "bite" out of the insect infestation.

The one-night event (Slaughter Skeeters for (S)harity) will start with the release of 250 giant mosquitoes near Bay City State Park -- in the vicinity of the location where the Battle of the Bands was held back in the 1960s.

The shooter (No Shell Limit) who bags the most mosquitoes in the 10-minute "Skeeter Blood-Sucking Bath by the Bay" shoot-a-thon will be the winner of a Wheelbarrow Full of Insect Repellent.

Fifty (50) shooters will pay $1,000 each to Blam, Blam, Blam the 250 mosquitoes in just 10 minutes --- There's gonna be carnage.

At MIDNIGHT -- Immediately following the Blood-Sucking Blood Bath, another 1,000 shot-gunners will be turned loose in Northern Bay County for 90 minutes . . . to kill as many mosquitoes as they can before time runs out. This second wave of Shooters will pay $100 for a chance to whack the winged skeeters.

The shooter with the most weight in mosquito parts will be declared the winner at the end of the night. Weight will be tabulated by Deer Checking Station Workers.

"This is gonna be one grand night of skeeter killin'," said an unidentified man who said he spent over three hours waiting in line to by shotgun shells at a local gun shop. "Raid might not be strong enough for these monster skeeters but my scatter gun will handle 'em."

Police are also becoming concerned over the growing size of the mosquitoes.

More and more local Bay County residents are arming themselves against the blood-thirsty, buzzing, giant insects. "A man's gotta defend his woman and his young'uns," said a bearded, peg-legged man (wearing an eye-patch) with a Remington shotgun slung over each shoulder.

Giant mosquito incidents have been on the increase (according to news reports) as the rain continues to fall and puddle-up each week.

"I fell asleep in my hammock in the back yard," said a Rambo-looking, cigar-smoking shot-gunner. "Two of them bleepers bit me and damn near sucked all the blood right out of me. Lucky the wife came out with a cold beer for me or maybe I wouldn't be here tellin' you 'bout it."

Reports are coming in almost daily from jittery old people who claim to have had an encounter or been bitten by a super mosquito.

Bob Bullagusta, a 93-year-old retired cave digger, now living a lonely life on Social Security along the Saginaw Bay near Pinconning said that he saw a super mosquito swoop down about dusk last Wednesday and carry off an 8-point buck that was drinking in the Saginaw Bay. "Swooped on down and jest carried that critter off," Bullagusta said of the deer. "I never seen such a thang in my entire life. No sireee," Bullagusta added.

"These mosquitoes have got to be stopped before someone gets hurt," said Slaughter Skeeters for (S)harity organizer P. Arty Planner. "Sure, we're gonna be killin' stuff and maybe a few innocent bystanders gotta die," said Planner. "But these're giant skeeters. They gotta be stopped. They gotta be stopped NOW."

Interested shooters should have their credit cards ready and contact the Slaughter Skeeters for (S)harity on Monday morning.