Thinking Out Loud
Zap It

December 18, 2014
By: Diane Szczepanski

The night crackled ... Everything had turned to static electricity in the heat. I combed my hair to watch the sparks fly from the ends.
Janet Fitch, White Oleandar

Winter temperatures are my nemesis. I advise you, don't come near me during these cold months.

If you insist, please keep in mind you have been given fair warning when the static electricity I harbor gives you mind-numbing, hair raising shocks.

I attempt to charmingly refer to this annual annoyance as my "electric personality" coming to life. However, 347 shocks later, it quickly loses its charm and becomes a general and sometimes literal pain in the rear end.

Skirts cling like saran wrap to leftovers.

Blouses crackle and sizzle like logs on a fire.

Dealing daily with hair charged by static which fashions itself in Medusa-like strands around my head, make for numerous moments of frustration and plenty of bad hair days.

Oh, I try all the remedies, believe me.

Foul smelling sprays, lotions by the gallon, humidifiers. You name it, I've tried it and it doesn't work.

So, I limp along the chilly season carrying a powder keg of electricity on my being.

You have been duly notified, for your own well being, stay clear. And that glow on the horizon you see that resembles summer fireworks?

It's just me walking across a carpet.